Stuck on Repeat

By Anonymous
Staff Writer

Photo Courtesy of http://www.sciencemuseum.org/

“One, two, three, four…one, two, three, four…one, two, three, four…one, two three, four. Four sets of four. Always even, never odd.”

That’s me every morning, tapping the corner edge of my bedroom carpet with my left foot a whopping total of 16 times, sometimes even 18 just to be sure to ward off any future misfortunes headed my way. Does this behavior hold any logic? I would be the first along with the other 3.3 million Americans with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder to say no, this holds no logic whatsoever.

So then why do we sufferers of OCD feel compelled to flick the light switch on and off 28 times, to tap the fruit bowl on the kitchen table 14 times or to repeatedly check that the front door is locked?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is an anxiety disorder. Sufferers experience recurrent unwanted illogical thoughts and fears referred simply to as “obsessions”. In order to counteract these obsessive thoughts sufferers develop “compulsions”, repetitive behaviors meant to soothe the uninvited thoughts and fears. Simply put, OCD is a developed coping mechanism for the many aspects of life that are out of one’s control.

Those with OCD are not delusional, we know our actions lack any realistic sense but are compelled to continue these actions regardless of how crazy we may appear.

Studies have found a connection between Tourette syndrome and OCD with 28-50% of those with Tourettes exhibiting symptoms of OCD. A commonly shared characteristic between the two is Coprolalia, the involuntary vocalization of obscenities or derogatory remarks. Though most of us with OCD would never utter or act on our obsessive thoughts, we feel as though we need to forcefully restrain ourselves from doing so. Taboos fill our heads, thoughts of incest, rape, murder, suicide, and sex run rampant in our brains. Even before I hit puberty and didn’t possess a full grasp on the human sexuality my 7-year-old interpretations of sexual activities and obscenities flooded my mind and left me feeling dirty and nervous; I’d blurt out the F-word during a math lesson or kiss the school nurse because it was in my power to do so.

Most of us with OCD narrow in on the same objects be it doorknobs, locks, light switches, push buttons, electrical sockets, corners or cracks in the pavement. Among us are washers, counters, arrangers, tappers, checkers, sinners and hoarders. Washers fear contamination, counters and arrangers hold superstitious beliefs on certain numbers and colors and are obsessed with symmetry, sinners fear punishment if a task is not performed to a T, checkers repeatedly check, tappers repeatedly tap and hoarders will just not part with that stack of newspapers from ’92 collecting dust in their closet.

Most with OCD are not confined to one specific group. A counter may also be a washer just as a hoarder may also be a checker. Many, including myself, happen to fall into multiple if not all categories.

There are four members in my immediate family dubbing the number four as my favorite. Four has and will always play an important role in my daily rituals but single digits are child’s play, I’ve graduated to the double digits now. As the years go by compulsions change and numbers grow, my OCD evolves and advances right along with me. The earliest memories I can remember of numbers beginning to run my life was around age 10. I despised traffic lights, not because they made me late for appointments or school, which is something at age 10 that I welcomed, I despised traffic lights because of the swallowing. It started out with the harmless number of four times that I would need to swallow before the light turned green and slowly escalated to the number 16. I can’t express how thrilled I am about that compulsion being dead and buried.

With OCD everyday simple mundane tasks become hour-long processes of painstakingly tedious rituals. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder complicates the uncomplicated. Something as absent-minded as having a drink of orange juice is turned into a life or death situation, which requires the purification of the drinking glass and the orange juice however only after the cabinet has been tapped as many times as seen fit, you know, whatever special number wards off evil today. Only then can I take a sip of my hard-earned O.J. but, only to have weighing on my mind, which side of the glass is safe to drink from?

These tasks are certainly anything but mundane. I can’t recall the last time I’ve had a shower that’s lasted under an hour or the last time I’ve read a book without tapping the page 18 times before turning.

I have stumbled across some loopholes over the years however, instead of having to perform the burdening task of preparing for meals, I can now have my mother get me my “special fork” out from the kitchen drawer and my father pour me my glass of milk. Now there’s an upside of OCD for you, I am waited on hand and foot. I once held in my urine for 10 ½ hours to avoid or at least delay the dreaded bathroom ritual, that loophole isn’t as cushy as the previous.

I sometimes find myself giving into the urge to obsessively bless myself even though I am not religious. This makes sense to me seeing as I grew up in a Catholic household and the Church is filled with obsessive-compulsive behaviors. Religion and OCD are so easily intertwined. Well known figures of Christianity like Martin Luther, John Bunyan and Saint Therese of Lisieux are known to have suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Although my family was never the strict church-going Catholics my Grandmother may have wished we were and even though we no longer attend, there are remnants left behind in my life.

OCD is truly a well-rounded disorder often peppered with overlapping disorders. Common accompanying disorders range from Hypochondria to Anorexia, both of which I can personally attest to.

Just like OCD Hypochondria turns the uncomplicated into complicated. A simple nosebleed becomes Leukemia; a minor headache becomes a brain tumor; a cough lung cancer. Hypochondria behavior shares a similar pattern of repetition and disruptive thoughts with OCD. Hypochondria’s cycle goes as follows:
1. Intrusive thoughts, i.e. “I think I have cancer.”
2. Check i.e. go to doctor
3. Repeat

My Self-Diagnoses
1. Systemic Sclerosis
2. Dermatomyositis and Polymyositis
3. HIV (Go figure this one out, I’m a virgin and avoid drugs at all costs, I won’t even take Tylenol unless the situation deems it necessary.)
4. Herpes
5. Lupus
6. Lyme Disease
7. Perry Romberg Syndrome/ Progressive Hemi-facial Atrophy
8. MRSA
9. Necrotizing Fasciitis (I have a difficult time listening to The Temptations due to Melvin Franklin’s bout with this specific flesh-eating bacterial disease.)
10. Various Cancers
11. Tuberculosis
12. Schizophrenia
13. Meningitis
14. Multiple Sclerosis
15. Deep Vein Thrombosis
16. Brain Aneurysm

With its excessive preoccupation with food and calorie counting and its strong focus on control, Anorexia’s correlation with OCD can be easily sighted by even the most blind, uninformed individual.

I’ve dabbled in calorie counting, allotting myself a set number for my daily caloric intake. Some days it was 800 others 900, maybe even 1,000…but that might be pushing it. While this may no longer be a consuming factor of my life in the current day, I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t carry around a calculator with me.

While what causes OCD is still not fully understood many theories loom about. Is OCD psychosocial? Biological? Maybe it’s Strep Throat? At least that’s what researches from National Institutes of Mental Health suggest. I’ve unquestionably had my fair share of Strep Throat and Tonsillitis growing up, connection perhaps?

Well, whatever the cause you can bet there’s going to be someone out there who can “cure” you. Once treated with exorcism, OCD in the present day is now treated with medication; I say give me the exorcism. It’d certainly be more fun, I wouldn’t balloon up and I wouldn’t have to worry about Stevens-Johnson Syndrome or any other pesky allergic reactions, because at the end of the day, is either one of these methods really working?

So, I’ve tried the medicated path, not for me. Next came therapy. I’ve run into a couple of therapists who have refused me help because of my unwillingness to work with their partnered psychiatrists and I’ve had my encounters with a snake-oil salesman or two. Where does all this leave me? I suppose a bit cynical, but maybe it’s me, not the therapists, psychiatrists, or medical companies, see Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is hard to let go of, while it may plague my life, I’m not quite sure what I would do without it.

It’s not my intention to knock the psychiatric medical industry. I recommend psychiatric help 100% to those who are left un-functioning and with a ruined quality of life due to OCD. Therapy and medication can work for some but you have to be willing to cooperate. You have to be willing to let go. This is a common fear among OCD patients and a backbreaking one to overcome at that. Call OCD my crutch, my source of amusement, my cure for boredom, a nervous tic, whatever you want, but whatever it is I’m just not ready to let go of it yet, plain and simple. Old habits die hard.