Staff Writer
Sorting through the Doublespeak in the 2008 Presidential Election.
I’m the last person who should be writing this article. I think politics is the most boring thing on earth. Not only is it boring, but it’s impossible to get an honest answer about anything from politicians. They are specially trained so you never see the real side of them; only the enhanced, media friendly, corporate sponsored version of themselves. Like ninjas.
As a result of my loathing of politics, I go out of my way to avoid knowing anything about the politicians themselves. Who knows when one of their politician tricks will fool me; going from outright contempt, to a begrudging indifference, and even to the most horrific change of all, support. At this point, it is safe to say that I know more about High School Musical’s last show at Harbor Yard than I do about Barack Obama (Gotta love having a twelve-year-old sister.).
You may have guessed by now that I don’t vote. While maintaining this indifference has been getting increasingly difficult over the last few years (During the Vote or Die campaign a few years ago, I lived quietly in an attic, a la Anne Frank), I’m proud to say I have yet to have an opinion. Although I do have to admit, the fact that I’m not a U.S. citizen, therefore am not technically allowed to vote, has been a lifesaver.
This year I’m officially going to have an opinion. For the first time, I’m going to take a side, but I’m going to do it on my terms. Most political analysts will talk about the candidate’s policies, their political history, and experience. I’ll be honest: I don’t care at all about that stuff. If the politician ends up messing up the United States, I can always just go back to Brazil.
The Rules
Because of my disinterest in politics, no actual political ideas, opinions, arguments will be included in my analysis. Things like abortion, health care, social security, and war in Iraq don’t really have much of an effect on me. Well, except abortion…but that’s a different article. The things that matter to me most lie outside the political landscape. It’s kind of like when a guy brings his girlfriend to a Knicks game. You know how she doesn’t really want to be there, doesn’t care about the game, and is just looking around the Garden watching Spike Lee and Adam Sandler hang out in the stands. That’s how I look at politics.
The things I care most about in a politician are the entertainment potential. I look at politicians as films in different genres. I want a politician who will make my list: either a great comedy, a suspenseful thriller, a spaghetti western, etc. Politics be damned. I’m simple minded, all I want is a show.
(Side Note- Any and all information about politicians were taken off wikipedia.org)
Democrats
Apparently the favorites to win the Democratic nomination are Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama. This means that for the first time in U.S. history, a candidate from one of the two major parties will be a first: either the first woman candidate, or the first African American candidate. This is making people really excited. This may be just me, but isn’t the point of electing a president to choose the candidate who would best serve the country? Take this for what its worth, because my president, Luiz Inácio da Silva, legally added the nickname Lula to his name. Apparently, this was because the name made him sound friendlier. And people wonder why I hate politics.
Barack Obama
Obama being real. Photo courtesy of http://bearingdrift.com.
First off, Barack Obama is known throughout the media as, “potentially the first African American presidential candidate in U.S. history”. I never liked describing people as African American, but Obama is half Kenyan and half Hawaiian, so I guess it works this time.
Even bigger than the fact that he is African American, in his memoir he has admitted to doing a ton of drugs when he was a kid because he felt confused about his racial identity. I honestly don’t know what to make of this. I think it all really comes down to the way he used the drugs and alcohol, and to this day he still smokes cigarettes.
On one hand, he could be like those really sad coke/alcohol addicts you see in movies, stealing his mom’s TV to get coke money, or walking around New York City late at night, stumbling and rambling to himself about how Jesus is bad at chess.
But this also opens up my dream scenario. President Obama is at a U.N. meeting when the Presidents or whatever of Iran and North Korea walk behind him and start making fun of his heritage, saying he’s not a real African or American. But Obama is too cool to let them see him hurt, so he turns around, gives them a badass look, and walks away.
When Obama gets home, he sits in the Oval Office and cries for four hours. When he can no longer stand the pain, he decides to go back into drugs. He calls up his vice president and tells him to get him a kilo of coke. An hour or so later the vice president comes back with a kilo in hand, but he is hesitant to give it to Obama because he has a crazy look in his eye. Obama then knocks out the vice president, pours all the coke out on his desk, does a line, and sits back in his chair like Al Pacino in Scarface. He decides to get even.
He immediately calls a press conference to make up a story that North Korea and Iran have launched a nuclear missile at a small town in Alaska that he just made up, and as a response America has systematically sent eight nuclear warheads at each country in response. The missiles land and destroy both countries.
The vice president wakes up, sees what Obama has done, and is distraught. Obama walks back into the Oval Office and with a look of deranged satisfaction on his face. He sits at his desk and stares out the window, muttering to himself.
That would be badass.
We may get these two back. Photo courtesy of http://www.clevelandseniors.com/.And on the other side, we have Clinton, the potential first woman president. Lets be honest, Clinton herself has very little comedic potential, other than the really obvious and dumb woman jokes. Since I try not to go for the obvious jokes, she is of little use to me.
What she does have is that death stare that may be the scariest look in politics, and American politics prominently features an ex-body builder, who got famous for playing a killer robot. Honestly, I would rather It was on prominent display during the whole Lewinsky scandal a few years ago, but she seems to have put it away lately. She may have begun to lose it in her old age, but I have a feeling that she’s saving it for North Korea.
Let’s be honest, the best part of Clinton for president is that we get four to eight more years of Bill Clinton. And not only Bill Clinton, but a Bill Clinton with much less responsibility then he had before, which gives him more free time to be the real Bill, not the stiff, presidential Bill of before.
How long until we find a drunken Bill Clinton in some seedy bar in Washington D.C., with three or four women around him, saying “Hey baby, did you know that I’m the first ‘first-man’ in US history...and I’m good at sex…er sax…just don’t tell my wife, she scares me”. I’m surprised VH1 isn’t putting all their money into Clinton’s campaign in the hopes that they could get a reality show that follows Bill around as he picks up political science majors from Georgetown.
Watching a hung over Bill face the wrath of Hillary again after she finds an empty bottle of Jack and a naked Georgetown sophomore would be the tensest scene since the gas station scene in No Country for Old Men. Or better yet, have him host The Pick Up Artist 2. The possibilities are endless really.
The most underrated part of the whole Clinton campaign is the reemergence of Chelsea Clinton. She spent her father’s entire presidency being low blowed for her awkward teenage years. That was really unfair to her. I mean with few exceptions, all girls go through an awkward stage in their life, and hers was being broadcast and talked about on national television.
It turns out Mike Myers was right; she has come into her own. She’s gotten really attractive in her adulthood. Chelsea meeting with Rush Limbaugh and giving him the “you wish you were Marc Mezvinsky right now” look while he fumbles to hide his erection would rank right up with Biggie recording “Who Shot Ya” on the Bill Simmons revenge scale.
Looks like Senator John McCain is the Republican nominee. I gotta say, I’m a little scared to write a section on him. As an ex-prisoner of war in Vietnam who was tortured regularly, nearly killed on several occasions, and a deadly accurate bomber, he doesn’t seem to mind killing a man whom he sees as the enemy. I’m about three bad jokes away from having some stranger come up behind me with a cloth hood and chloroform, then disappearing for two months, and being found in an alley looking like Amy Winehouse.
Toughest...candidate…ever. Photo courtesy of http://punchup.files.wordpress.com/
Unfortunately, a combination of journalistic integrity and foolish man-pride force me to write this section.
John McCain is just the real life version of Jack Bauer, only if you took away the whole kidnapping his daughter part, and replaced it with more torture, and set it in Vietnam. He’s got to be the most beaten up politician of all time.
How cool would it be to have a president who was tortured in Vietnam? Terrorists wouldn’t stand a chance. Anytime the U.S. captured a potential terrorist would be like a holiday for McCain. The U.S. would have them sent to some dark, dank cell in Guantanamo Bay, and then McCain would take the red-eye flight to the prison.
He would get to the Bay, walk in the room with a prisoner tied to a chair, smile to the guards, ask if there are cameras, or if it is sound proof, then shut the door. Faint screams would ring through the prison as the other prisoners shook and peed themselves.
But on the other side, there is a huge potential for him to be the crazy politician, who bends the rules, and does things his way. He could be like Jason Isaacs in The Patriot, only more evil. How many people are going to disagree with a tortured war veteran?
You know that all the people in his cabinet would be too scared that they’d trigger some deep seeded torture memory, where McCain would jump over the table and choke them yelling, “I’m not going back, Charlie!” at the top of his lungs.
2 comments:
I thought this was great, even though John McCain is AGAINST torture. Regardless, It definitely made for some great sattire, haha.
hahahahahaha omg i laughed so hard through the whole thing very funny. i love the obama coke part
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