Sometimes what we think we want isn't always what we need.
By Jessica Rougeau
Senior Staff Writer
By Jessica Rougeau
Senior Staff Writer
This moment seemed to make its way into my life all too quickly. I felt utterly ambushed and came to the startling conclusion that perhaps I was not as ready for this as I thought. The next morning I'd be heading off to college.
As I scanned the old room around me, the room I’d lived in most of my life, I thrived off the comfort that at least things here would be just as I left them when I came home. The leaving really was the worst part in all of this. I'd be leaving my family, friends, and a romantic relationship I knew would suffer, but with mutual promises to work through it, we agreed to stay together. I went to bed that night so nervous I didn't even dream.
Going away to college could have been amazing, if I went there as the person that everyone knew. The person I was before I entered an emotionally abusive and co-dependent relationship. I used to be an extremely outgoing person who welcomed new eye opening experiences, but I found myself holding back constantly and did not have it in me to open up to all these new people I was meeting. As much as I tried to deny it, I knew the cause was this person I was with. This person had been slowly chipping away at all the good parts of me, controlling every single move I tried to make, until I had reached the lowest I'd ever been. I felt like nothing and it inevitably forced me to feel like it was true because I continued to love them and wanted it to work.
This is where everything began to fall apart. I stopped going to class, partied way too much and way too hard, I had an insane amount of trouble sleeping because my mind would race with the worst of thoughts. I kept many of my friends and family up at night worried sick about me, and I was numb to it all for awhile. Everyone did what they could in a powerless situation like this, and the one person I wanted to care the most carried on beautifully without me.
I would come home from school every other weekend to work, and nothing was the way I had left it. My relationship was falling apart. This person was too "busy" to see me, and sometimes we wouldn't speak for entire weeks yet somehow we were still in a relationship. I didn't understand, couldn't understand how a person was capable of treating someone this way. I felt confined and helpless until one night I confessed everything to one of my best friends. I poured out all my pain in front of her, and I finally told her I wanted to die. I was never so serious in my life.
The next morning I heard my mom and brother whispering in the other room. I had an awful sinking feeling that some of what I said last night had gotten to them.
The next thing I knew, I was in a car with my entire family on the way to Yale New Haven Hospital, I was told I'd only stay there a night after talking with a doctor. One night turned into a week. Another car took me to the psych ward and I turned to look out the window at my family, devastated on the sidewalk, as the car pulled away. I repeated in my head "just breathe," like they were the only two words I'd ever known.
During my stay there, I'd met so many girls who had been through much worse, and it motivated me to participate actively in all the programs they had for us and be honest with my doctors because parts of me knew I could do this on my own now.
As scared I was, I know now it saved my life, and my very best friends had everything to do with that. I realized I needed a change of scenery after I returned to school and finished out the semester. I felt it was better to stay closer to home.
I enrolled at Housatonic Community College, supposedly only for a semester, but one semester turned into two and this year I'm beginning my third. Although it took me almost two years to recover from what happened, I know for certain it would have taken longer if I wasn't surrounded by people that love me and good opportunities. My grades have improved, my health and attitude are back to the way they used to be, and my overall outlook on life has completely changed.
I know I've come out of this stronger than I've ever been and learned so much about people, love, and relationships that I refuse to make those same mistakes again.
It's important to persevere through the hard times in order to be grateful for the good ones and to prove to yourself that giving up is not an option.
As I scanned the old room around me, the room I’d lived in most of my life, I thrived off the comfort that at least things here would be just as I left them when I came home. The leaving really was the worst part in all of this. I'd be leaving my family, friends, and a romantic relationship I knew would suffer, but with mutual promises to work through it, we agreed to stay together. I went to bed that night so nervous I didn't even dream.
Going away to college could have been amazing, if I went there as the person that everyone knew. The person I was before I entered an emotionally abusive and co-dependent relationship. I used to be an extremely outgoing person who welcomed new eye opening experiences, but I found myself holding back constantly and did not have it in me to open up to all these new people I was meeting. As much as I tried to deny it, I knew the cause was this person I was with. This person had been slowly chipping away at all the good parts of me, controlling every single move I tried to make, until I had reached the lowest I'd ever been. I felt like nothing and it inevitably forced me to feel like it was true because I continued to love them and wanted it to work.
This is where everything began to fall apart. I stopped going to class, partied way too much and way too hard, I had an insane amount of trouble sleeping because my mind would race with the worst of thoughts. I kept many of my friends and family up at night worried sick about me, and I was numb to it all for awhile. Everyone did what they could in a powerless situation like this, and the one person I wanted to care the most carried on beautifully without me.
I would come home from school every other weekend to work, and nothing was the way I had left it. My relationship was falling apart. This person was too "busy" to see me, and sometimes we wouldn't speak for entire weeks yet somehow we were still in a relationship. I didn't understand, couldn't understand how a person was capable of treating someone this way. I felt confined and helpless until one night I confessed everything to one of my best friends. I poured out all my pain in front of her, and I finally told her I wanted to die. I was never so serious in my life.
The next morning I heard my mom and brother whispering in the other room. I had an awful sinking feeling that some of what I said last night had gotten to them.
The next thing I knew, I was in a car with my entire family on the way to Yale New Haven Hospital, I was told I'd only stay there a night after talking with a doctor. One night turned into a week. Another car took me to the psych ward and I turned to look out the window at my family, devastated on the sidewalk, as the car pulled away. I repeated in my head "just breathe," like they were the only two words I'd ever known.
During my stay there, I'd met so many girls who had been through much worse, and it motivated me to participate actively in all the programs they had for us and be honest with my doctors because parts of me knew I could do this on my own now.
As scared I was, I know now it saved my life, and my very best friends had everything to do with that. I realized I needed a change of scenery after I returned to school and finished out the semester. I felt it was better to stay closer to home.
I enrolled at Housatonic Community College, supposedly only for a semester, but one semester turned into two and this year I'm beginning my third. Although it took me almost two years to recover from what happened, I know for certain it would have taken longer if I wasn't surrounded by people that love me and good opportunities. My grades have improved, my health and attitude are back to the way they used to be, and my overall outlook on life has completely changed.
I know I've come out of this stronger than I've ever been and learned so much about people, love, and relationships that I refuse to make those same mistakes again.
It's important to persevere through the hard times in order to be grateful for the good ones and to prove to yourself that giving up is not an option.
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